I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
