When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize