My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
