Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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