the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
