I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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