surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
