I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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