I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
