I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
