Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
