Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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