We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
