The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
