Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
