He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
