Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
