He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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