bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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