community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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