im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
