3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I wanna bring you to show and tell
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
