There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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