god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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