I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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