She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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