Dude my mom stole all your condoms
My underwear smells like fireworks.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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