There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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