i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Randomize
