i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
