we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I think my moral compass just broke
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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