HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
