I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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