I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
