I hate your face
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
