She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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