he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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