You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
