my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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