Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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