I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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