the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
