i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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