So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize