is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
