My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
