omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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