im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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