oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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