I just pynch a tree in the face
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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