And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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