a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
