I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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