So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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