He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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