Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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