do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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