why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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