if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
