Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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